Wednesday, July 22, 2009

The Diagnosis...

I am writing my thoughts and feelings about John and the journey ahead…

John was diagnosed in June with this horrible disease called T-Cell lymphoma, and Epstein Barr. I can’t believe it has already been two months. I wake up everyday thinking this has all been a nightmare, John is fine, and everything is normal.
My thoughts are so jumbled, each day is so different. John could be having a great morning, which could turn into a great day. I love the great days! However tomorrow is always right around the corner and you never know what tomorrow is going to bring.
When the good days are good, they are even great. When the bad days are bad, they are just the worst. On the bad days, I try to hold back my tears, I don’t want to shed them in front of him, then I think to myself I hope he doesn’t think I don’t care. That is not the case at all. I hold back my tears and take them with me to the shower, in the basement or in the car. These are the places where I release my tears which are filled with hurt and anger for John. I can’t bear the thought of him thinking this is a burden on me or anyone. I know that is how he feels at times. It is just the way John is.

I can honestly say I care more for this man than I have ever cared for any other man in my life. He has enriched my life in so many ways I feel I just can’t do enough for him.
I wish I had the cure to end this nightmare for John and for everyone else who has been inflicted with this horrible disease. I don’t know why John has this disease he doesn’t deserve it. No one does.

John is truly a good hearted soul. So full of compassion and thoughtfulness, his smile so infectious, just fills your heart. The love his family has for him is immeasurable, he is truly blessed. I am so thankful for the love and the generosity it makes things almost easy enough to bear, no matter how hard this road is going to get for us, we can hit the bumps and get over all of them.

"There is no medicine like hope, no incentive so great, and no tonic so powerful as expectation of something tomorrow."

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